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Tweak says, "Monkey Boy!"

Delilah Draken (delilahs_fics) wrote,
@ 2008-05-31 17:14:00

Entry tags:

'verse: transformers, tamingthemuse, ttm: run 2, writing: fanfiction

Observation
Title: Observation
Author: Delilah Draken
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: Transformers (2007 movie)
Characters(s): Barricade
Sequel/Series: sequel to Protecting the Castle
Status: Finished
Disclaimer: The stories are mine. All the rest - characters and locations you've heard of in TV shows, movies, books etc - belong to their respective owners. I am just borrowing them.
Summary: Just your typical night.
Author's Note: prompt #97 – Delirious at tamingthemuse

Observation

by
Delilah Draken

18.35 – subject leaves residence.

Every day it is the same. He wakes up at the same far too early time of day, dresses in the same boring but comfortingly dark clothes and leaves his flat far too late to not have to run to work. And as far as his luck or lack of the same is concerned, he deserves to be drenched by rain water on the way.

Just bloody brilliant.

18.47 – subject arrives at place of occupation; duties vary from cooking to serving costumers.

His boss is angry with him, says it is the last time he'll ever start work too late or else he's lost the job. Not that he really wants to work in this sleazy dump, though beggars can't be choosers, right?

He swallows the words that nearly escape his mouth. Better to just nod and smile like a good slave.

22.59 – subject takes break; smokes 4.7 cigarettes and drinks 0.275 litres coffee, black with 5 cubes of compressed saccharose.

Some weird guy is eyeing him up.

He wonders if he somehow slipped up, if his secret is in the open and everyone and their dog can see it. The thought frightens him. His hands begin to shake.

23.07 – subject takes up duties again.

It's a quiet night., definitely not good for business but oh so calming to jittery nerves.

After the fourth dish breaks his boss just looks at him until he squirms.

“Take the rest of the night off,” he is told. “You're no good to me like this.”

I thought I was this close to unemployment, he wonders but shrugs the thought away with a brightly labelled 'insignificant'.

00.46 – the routine is disturbed.

Wishing to get home as fast as is possible, he walks through a side street that he normally avoids. That was a mistake.

They are waiting for him. Three men, species: asshole, family: opinionated homophobiac. The kind of men that are always described as good people who would never hurt a fly. How he hates his life in these moments.

What follows is a typical scenario of three strong and overly intoxicated males attempting to protect their area of manly pride with a fair fight against one skinny individual that one might call, in a situation like this, by one simple word: prey.

He slips on the wet pavement, his knee making painful contact with unforgiving ground. Somewhere behind him, he can hear a siren howl. The sound gives him no comfort, for he knows the police does not make a habit of helping people like him.

That is going to bruise, he thinks right before making contact with a wall head first. He probably should not have spit into the face of one of his attackers.

Darkness. The feeling of being surrounded by cotton candy, disturbed by a menacing voice growling “Run.” and three pairs of feet leaving the area as if in a dreadful hurry.

He awakes to the nice sensation of being hugged by a warm blanket. Only after opening his eyes comes the realization that he is not in his own bedroom, but on a rather ratty sofa in what looks like an empty warehouse.

There is a table not far from the sofa, in the perfect position to make someone curious as to what lies on it. With trembling fingers he touches the papers spread out on it.

“What the...” he whispers.

There is a copy of his birth certificate, some old photos from his college days. One single photograph depicting his as he was in elementary school, full of smiles and hair done up in pigtails with red ribbons.

It all looks like a picture book example of a stalker's shrine.

“You are very good at hiding what you really are.” That is the same voice he heard in the alley.

Turning around, the first thing he sees is huge. Quite damnable huge and leaning on a wall like James Dean, all coolness and suppressed killer instinct. A tiny looking metal file is used to clean sharp looking finger nails... or are they called claws?

The only thing he can do at the moment is what everybody else would be doing.

He faints.

Again.

06.32 – a new routine is established.

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	hari_kari 2008-06-02 04:36 am UTC (link)
	Liked this. Interesting, well done. I also enjoyed 'Protecting the Castle'. :) (Reply to this) (Thread)

	delilahdraken 2008-08-08 10:58 am UTC (link)
	Many thanks for reading, and my apologies for the late-coming reply. (Reply to this) (Parent)

wolfalice
2008-09-16 03:06 pm UTC (link)

Sorry for the long delay this time. I was out of the country and without internet for two weeks. Anyway ~

but shrugs the thought away with a brightly labelled 'insignificant' - A brightly labelled 'insignificant' what? I understand what you're trying to say here, but that's not what you've put. I'd suggest something like, "...but shrugs, dismissively labelling the thought as 'insignificant'."

That was a mistake. - Try to keep your tenses as consistent as you can. I'd change this to: "This is a mistake."

"Homophobiac" isn't a word; try "homophobe" instead.

What follows is a typical scenario of three strong and overly intoxicated males attempting to protect their area of manly pride with a fair fight against one skinny individual that one might call, in a situation like this, by one simple word: prey. - This just seems like a bit of a cliched cop-out, making a particular instance generic. You could at least tell us what actually happened? Also, "area of manly pride"? That kind of sounds like something I'm pretty sure you didn't mean.

with unforgiving ground. - Stick a "the" after "with".

a menacing voice growling “Run.” - I think you need a comma after "growling". Also, the full stop after "run" should be a comma if you're continuing the sentence after that short bit of dialogue. The position of that comma (or full stop, as it is now) depends on whether you prefer to use the American or British style of punctuation (if British, then it should go outside the quotation marks). The only issue here is consistency - whichever style you choose, you should stick with it for the whole piece. Since in an earlier paragraph you put: labelled 'insignificant'. with the full stop outside the quotation marks, and later you use an American spelling ("realization" as opposed to the British "realisation") you've already become inconsistent.

Only after opening his eyes comes the realization that he is not in his own bedroom - It feels like you have a word or two missing here. I'd try something like: "Only after opening his eyes does he come to the realisation that..."

There is a table not far from the sofa, in the perfect position to make someone curious as to what lies on it. - You have a tendency to write more than is necessary, and more than actually benefits the text. I'd be inclined to scrap everything after the comma in this sentence.

depicting his as he was in elementary school, - "him" instead of "his". I'm not sure about the phrase "full of smiles" either.

Quite damnable huge - You mean "damnably".

And... maybe I'm just being a huge ditz, but I have no idea what's actually going on in this :| Why wouldn't the police help someone like the protagonist? And I'm guessing Barricade is the dude with the nail file? He's the one whose been watching the protagonist, so I assume the notes in italics are his, yeah? (I know I'm being a ditz, I just wanted to check. I'm really tired right now... -__-)

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